DREAMING, because dreaming is free. Sure, we dream about things we will most likely never attain or at least not in the way we imagine them. This is my first official blog post on here. I hope I to have at least 10 followers as I have flopped over on my facebook page. I don't want to pay for advertisement to get my page out there with the other snarky, this is how I see it personal blogs. And I've hinted and outright asked some friends and fam to follow the page, give it a like so as to pimp out my page to the zillions of FBookers out there as I'm sure I could enlist some followers that were bored enough to take a looky loo at not so little, old me has to say. But whatever, people get so busy with their own lives and crisis that taking the time to click like is too much to ask. They need to free up that time to like Nordstrom, Target, Walmart, Starbucks, Applebees, Red Robin, Chuck E. Cheese and Frito Lay, etc.
Did that sound bitchy? Well that's me, today anyway. I have been in a bit of a bitchy mood the past 24-48 hours since coming down to stay with my mother. OK, so truth be told I have been feeling extra special bitchy for nearly 2 weeks now given really bad PMS and one of the most painful periods I have ever experienced. I get to go into today to have another pelvic ultrasound done. Then I get to have another iron infusion treatment. I can't really complain about having those done as it's almost like a spa treatment for me. I get to go in and the nurse skillfully taps into me on the first try as I kick back in a recliner sitting across from huge windows with view of the state capital and downtown Salem area. I have 3 more treatments to go and is it awful to say I've enjoyed the short breaks from my currently ill toddler who is prone to more tantrums than usual right now due to having a croopy cough?
Anyhoo, a lot of people would get depressed and freaked out surrounded by chemo patients but it doesn't really bother me all that much. During my first treatment last week I noticed a rather pleasant woman about my age there with her friend. She just had her hair growing back in so it was pretty obvious she was a chemo patient. And with all the lab rat duties I've been performing lately I couldn't help but thinking "That could've been me" So I should feel so lucky that I am just there for iron deficiency and not cancer. And I do, trust me when I say I TRULY DO feel lucky that I don't currently have the dreaded Big C. But you know, when you see a woman with cancer able to put on a brave face and even smile when having chemo treatments you aspire to be more like her if you ever do encounter something so devastating.
I don't think I would be the type to curl up and want to just die already if I did ever get the dreaded death sentence. On the other other hand I wouldn't continue to be a lab rat for the healthcare industry. Sure I would try a round of radiation and some chemo if there was a good chance to destroy the cancer and live a long, happy life. But if I was late stage cancer and given a matter of months and told about experimental treatments that may or may not prolong my life a few more months? Most likely not, because then it becomes a quality of life issue and I know I'm a major cinephile but I would like to quote Julia Roberts from Steel Magnolias who said "I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."
I lost my father to cancer about 9 mos ago just 2 mos after he had been diagnosed. He died a horrible and painful death and I was around to witness only part of the suffering. My mother was with him constantly at his beck and call and hospice did very little, only coming by twice a week to help shower and check his meds. She strained her back several times lifting him off the toilet and in and out of bed, etc. When I got some scary test results about some elevated white cell count and abnormal blood loss rates my poor mother who has lost her husband, father and her twin sister in less than a year started thinking worse case scenario almost immediately. Keep in mind I was referred to Hematology Oncology and both my father and an aunt had gotten bad news once walking through those doors. Mom even had me convinced that I might possibly be dying but turned out it was just related to my blood loss and anemia. Something that needs to be brought under control before I go under the knife for anything but far, far less scary than what it could have been.
Through all this what if and worst case scenario, prepare for the worst type stuff I was encountering from my mother and others around me I was mainly concerned about my daughter. Who will she end up with if I am to go at a young age. Who will raise her the way I would want her to be raised. My mother has too many healthcare issues of her own to have her fulltime plus she can be rather INTENSE at times with her anal retentiveness to the point of OCD. Don't get me wrong, she was and still is and excellent mother and grandmother. But I don't think Grandmothers should raise their grandchildren unless it's absolutely necessary. And I shudder to think of Gillian's teenage years especially if she turns out anything like I was. My mom has been looking forward to that karma put upon me. But honestly don't think she could go through all that again. And HIS mother, sure she is or was a nice enough person before her son and I started having problems but I've seen her in a different light now and that could be a negative situation where she constantly trash talks me as Gillian grows up and along with her son convinces her that I was mentally ill when in fact I am not. Gawd, I only wish sometimes because then maybe they could prescribe me a special pill that could cure it.
Then there is the estranged one, the one listed as dear old dad on my wee child's birth certificate. The one who is going to see his daughter this coming Sunday for the first time since the week prior to Halloween and blames me for that...GRRRRRR!!!! Oh don't even get me started as I have NEVER kept him away from her. He is the one that chose to flake on his visitation time last weekend because he hadn't heard from me and decided to make plans. Well I tried to switch my schedule around so he could still see her yesterday but then I thought HELL NO. Here I have a legit medical issue that needs to be dealt with and he flakes because of a date? Oh this is just BULLSHIT! And therefore good as reason as any to have my very own Wolfpack Situation Room!
